How to Deal with Dysphoria

Sometimes you hear people say "I wish I had smaller/bigger breasts" or "I wish I was taller/shorter". But, with us in the community, this takes on a completely different role and meaning. Gender dysphoria, aka when your sex and gender don't align, can mess with how you see yourself. We already have issues when coming out and transitioning, trying to pass but feeling like something's wrong, like a weight that seems impossible to lift off your shoulders. You get self conscious, aware of everything about you. You are aware of the thing between your legs or on your chest more often then not, and you keep thinking "I will never look like ______". This is dysphoria.

Dysphoria can be a butt. It can ruin a good day and slight your confidence. We all get it, but there are ways to deal with it. My favorites are writing things about yourself as your preferred pronouns or name, wearing something more comfortable, and refer everything in 3rd person. Ex. "Damian loves this pasta" "Damian looks so fine today" and "Damian will conquer the world one day". Little things like that can make all the difference. You can also talk to someone you trust or came out to, and they can help you deal with it, whether it be calling you by your pronouns or making you feel like the strongest thing in the universe! And, sometimes, dreaming can help. Sure, right now you can't do much, but think! In 10 or so years from now, you could have your surgery, be who you want! Sometimes all you need is that hope, that knowledge that things are going to get better. And they will, I promise you that. No matter what situation you're in right now, things will get better. 

-Damian

Dysphoria is hard. No doubt about it. It hurts more than anything I've felt. It feels so off that you can't describe it, and it destroys you. My dysphoria started when I was young around seven years old. It started when body hair started to grow on me. My father believes that men are men and woman are woman so when I picked up a razor for the first time he screamed and spanked me. " Men and boys don't have a reason to shave!" he would tell me " What are you a faggot?" He was very homophobic, he still is. I was always seen as the sensitive child " Mamma's boy." " Men don't sit their and cry you sensitive..." and other things of the sort my father would throw at me. Things like this drove me crazy. Not because of him, I could care less about my father, but the expectations I was being held too. I felt diminished and so much self hatred radiated off of me in those times. I would listen to peoples words so carefully and tell myself. " Your fat" My brother and father use to state, so I would starve myself. Down from my head to my toes. Wearing baggy shirts to hide myself, tight jeans so that my legs would look thinner and shoes two sizes small to constrict my feet in hopes they wouldn't get any bigger. Of course this lead into Anorexia and body dysphoric disorder. I hated myself and at some points I got so low as to sobbing in my own self thoughts of suicide. 

By the time I hit puberty I started to act like everything was okay. Scared of what people would say about me if I acted normal like a normal guy I would be okay. This slowly ruined me, I faked it so much that what was fake felt so real. I felt so much more stuck in my own body I had cut my hair completely which had use to be down to my breast plate. I smiled through everything even though I was hurting and I became cold and bitter. I closed my relationships off and kept to myself. My grades slowly started to slip and I slowly spiraled down in stress and misery.

Then I came out this became one big burden lifted off me and for the first time in years I cried. I cried my heart out in pain and joy and discomfort. I cried because I hated myself I cried because I hated the world. I cried because I finally accepted the fact that I was transgender. I cried because I knew people wouldn't look at me the same. I cried because I wanted to love myself. I cried for the kid I use to know as the old me. I cried for the future me. I cried for the fact that I was even still alive and hadn't taken my own life. I cried all day and night sobbing and I only cried more when my mother told me " I want to see your smile again." My cousins were there to and they held me like I was a child. This was only the start I started to think about myself again things that would bring me closer to myself. I started growing my hair out again and, even though my father forced me to cut it once more, I stood up to him for the first time in my life and told him it was my choice, not his. I severed toxic people that I had made friends with out and brought in friends who would accept me no matter what. I bought clothes that made me comfortable. 

I might not love myself yet, but I'm working on it and slowly I will gain my confidence and I will be happy. I decided that people don't control my life I do and I got help for my starving habits. I still sometimes have days where I feel so huge that I just can't talk to people, but this new feeling came and I started to also have times where I felt cute. I started to see the truth that I was only one hundred and twenty pounds not two hundred. I was only sixty six inches not seventy eight. I started to see I always had a very skinny hour glass shape and that my body was a lot less masculine than I thought. My shoe size wasn't ten or eleven, but a mere eight. Though, most importantly is that I realized that every one is different in all sorts of ways and that I wasn't alone.
When you feel something you know you shouldn't get help sooner than later. It will save you time trouble and possibly even your life. Never take on problems like these by yourself its not worth it.

-Dess